Being a Heterosexual/Asexual male rape victim gang raped; brutally tortured, beaten and sodomized at the hands of sadistic bullies always brings terrifying memories and fears that can sometimes seem unrelenting. I'm not really sure what recollections you men and women here have personally contemplated when it comes to the yearly physical at the doctors office or by chance at a hospital. In particular for me personally I'm paraphrasing ("the dreaded prostate rectal exam"). Not something I think most men would rather think about when your family physician deems it a necessary criteria.
If you happen to be over forty and in my case over fifty it becomes an annual ritualistic medical requirement. Lets be honest; I don't think any of us older guys look forward to this embarrassing exam, coupled with the fact of having your testicles checked out at the same time. If you happen to be a male rape victim suffering with P.T.S.D., such an invasive medical procedure can really trigger the onset of strong painful memories of the past. As for me; I get extremely nervous if any doctor schedules a full physical. My new family doctor is female. Sure she is aware about my traumatic rape past. Not quite sure if she is really that sympathetic though. For most doctors faced with carrying out this invasive procedure; it's all about routine professionalism and the mundane business at hand. No pun intended. I would think the average doctor takes a nonchalant professional attitude when carrying out prostate exams. Hell; do they ever give a second thought about how the patient feels about being on the receiving end of this invasive procedure ? Not a damned chance that I have witnessed. I'm sure some men and woman here can speak about some bad experiences with doctors performing invasive medical exams. I don't know; am I the only rape victim who entertains strong fear of having to go through invasive medical exams. I hate having to talk about this embarrassing topic like no tomorrow.
My health is not the best struggling with health related issues such as cardiac problems and being an insulin dependent diabetic which has caused me to develop kidney problems. Recently; my family physician has referred me to see a urologist who wants to perform some invasive bladder test. I think they call it a cystoscopy. If you only knew how much extreme fear I'm having about this. How the hell do I confront these fears. I'm almost thinking of neglecting these test.
I wish I could fight off my torturous memories of my rape. I detest any man touching my privates, doctors included. What am I to do ?
My overall unnerving health situation "both physical and mental" often places me at odds with doctors and nurses in general with good reason based on bad experiences with distant and indifferent medical professionals. I state this without trying to sound off as being cynical or judgmental against the overall medical profession which for the most part I have a lot of respect for. I began my arduous road to recovery five years ago on January 3rd, 2003. Twenty-three years prior to that I buried and blanked-out most of the painful horrors of my rape past in my subconscious. Looking at hindsight I suspect all those painful horrors and festering memories of my rape past were really at the surface without my resolute sanity permitting my conscious to deal with such extreme pain. It took twenty-three years of life's ups and downs for that emotional ticking time bomb to blow it's fuse causing me to have a major nervous break down five years ago.
My personal critique and prognostication of today's self-professed "can-do-no-wrong" consummate medical profession often places me at odds with the unscrupulous indifferent behaviors of numerous doctors, nurses, and shrinks who are increasingly present in today's overall medical scene, largely due to increasing work load stress, the lack of staff and resources. Don't get me wrong; I'm not black-listing the medical profession. Not many doctors and nurses have the time or patience to listen to one lone male rape victim who has a differentiating host of fears to address.
Meanwhile; a male rape victim is forced to suck-up his own fears and pain because their are a lot of indifferent people who just don't give a rats ass about someone else's struggling painful problems and overwhelming anxious worries.
In the end due to personal health reasons I am forced to deal with the indignity of having invasive medical procedures without any doctor or nurse truly listening to my fears and concerns.
I had a lot of respect for my last family doctor who retired just over two years ago. I had him for thirty years. He was very understanding and compassionate about my past which I revealed to him in painstaking detail in an addressed letter. He was not only the best doctor I ever had, but; a respected friend. It's damned difficult when you build up a trusting relationship with a professional doctor only to sadly see him retire because of being overworked and burnt-out due to a shortage of doctors. He now devotes his efforts in the palliative care unit at the local city hospital. My new family physician; a female who took over my former family doctors practice is difficult to relate to. She is strictly business and emotionally stoic. I don't even have the luxury of finding another physician.
I have no qualms about seeing a female physician if only her disposition would grant more pliancy and candor.
Damn get a life why don't she. They say if you want to understand and embrace the virtue of humility.
Be prepared to be humiliated. I have felt humiliated for almost the last thirty years.
I'm not so sure there is really anything to be learned by dealing with the prospect of having to go through invasive medical procedures whether your a female or male rape victim.
Inescapably there is only two cold realities to such procedures. No#1. You suck-up your shame and embarrassments and reluctantly go through the stressful fears and triggers of having a doctor/nurse probe and insert instruments inside you in places you would rather not.
No#2. You say fuck it and ignore it and refuse to let yourself be traumatized all over again and don't allow yourself to go through such triggering embarrassments and fears anymore. There is another option but that requires the humiliation and triggering shame of relating your past to a hopefully receptive empathetic nurse or doctor who is genuinely understanding and supportive.
The likely hood of a female victim finding support in this area likely outweighs the same empathetic support for a lone male rape victim.
The worst damned part that goes against my favor is that I have to embarrassingly admit that I am Androphobic.
No I didn't say Homophobic....("Androphobic")
Much of that was induced by the horrors of my torturous rape.
Now how the hell does a Heterosexual/Asexual male rape victim convey that to any medical professional without being likely ridiculed or categorized.
Most woman who undergo invasive medical procedures by a male doctor usually have a female nurse in the room with them.
Now how humiliating is it for a man to ask for a female nurse to be in the room when he is undergoing an invasive medical procedures.
Not very damned likely. And how would a female nurse evaluate a male patient if he made such a request.
It's highly probable that the female nurse would surmise that such a male patients request was perverted.
So where the hell does that leave me ?
We live in a stereotyped society preconditioned to biasedly prejudge certain situations that do not seem the expected norm. Especially if it’s a man addressing fears.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Shrinks & Doctors Scrutinizing Pros & Cons
I would suspect that this is a topic of retrospection would give many here reason to ponder their own respective personal reviews.
Although in the last five years in recovery I have seen a number of psychiatrist's and psychologist's. I have tried hard to keep an open objective mind as to how
their analysis of me may seem legitimate according to their introspection of my characteristic demeanour and how it relates to my Rape-Related P.T.S.D.
and other related anxieties. For the most part I am ("somewhat") satisfied with their analysis.
However; being a Heterosexual Male Rape Victim
doesn't always allow for adequate psychotherapy services respectively attenuated for male rape victims.
I did read one post here at Pandora’s Aquarium that struck me as rather oddly confusing.
The person stated that there was "No" female, male, heterosexual, homosexual, or C.S.A. victims here...just rape victims inclusive. I find that description too restrictive.
There are unique differences and circumstances that every rape victim identifies with. When I began my recovery five years ago my first psychiatrist's didn't believe my past. And he made it quite obvious.
Needless to say I didn't stay long, three months was enough of that crap. I had an extremely difficult time finding a shrink that was willing to take my case. Statistically; so few male rape victims seek help due to the heavy stigma attached to male rape along with societal bias categorizing all male rape victims unfairly as gay or ex-cons.
In Atlantic Canada the luxury of finding a psychiatrist's or psychologist that is adequately trained and experienced working with male rape victims doesn't come by chance lightly, if at all. In the last five years I've been bounced around from one shrink to another who all have peculiar behaviours of their own.
You come across good-ones and terrible ones who seem so distant making me wonder why the hell they're even there doing such a job. Especially after I had laid out my painful vulnerabilities and fears in front of them to analyze and rationalize under their impassive scrutiny.
In light of all this I often question the validity of certain Psychiatrist's and Psychologist from time to time. Particularly when you think that there so called medical science is barely one-hundred and fifty years old.
It takes a very unique special doctor, nurse, psychiatrist, and psychologist with exceptional kindness, empathy and compassion to truly come to understand people afflicted with pain and suffering.
Indeed any woman or man who sustains the accursed ravagement and abysmal poignancy of a rape affliction.
It can be exceedingly worrisome and disconcerting trying to entrust to any person your own savage affliction relating to a harrowing rape.
There are numerous incompatible psychotherapy situations that fail to recognize the discrepant issues that encompass sexual orientation fears, associated with respective females and males who are victimized by violent rape.
While there are indeed a selective number of very good shrinks; In some critical circles there is reason to suggest that a growing number of shrinks excessively pride themselves into thinking that they have established a utopianized quick fix therapy solution to healing the afflictive mental stigma and pain of their rape patients. When in fact, all they've done is put a frail decaying bandage over tormenting wounds of pain and misery;
temporarily lulling to sleep and numbing the anguish from a vast number of woman and men who have suffered one of the worst atrocities conceivable by the human race.
What is it with the assuming overconfidence of many psychiatrist and psychologist ? What with their Freudian, Adler, and Jungian hodgepodge of theoretical hypothesis, suppositions, and speculations.
It shouldn't be of any big surprise that a number of shrinks today receive critique and disreputable reviews. While I do believe there are empathetically gifted psychiatrist's and psychologist's, that lend themselves to having an effective virtuosity.
Definitively however; shrinks are still far removed from adopting a perfected medical science which is still in it's infancy. Psychiatry and Psychology is a science of associationism, applied to a human cognitive process,
intrinsically structured with rudimentary and underlying half-truths, subject to a variance of representational perceptions and theoretical opinions infused with human fallibility.
Am I saying that shrinks are no good ? Of course not. I'm just saying that it requires prudence in finding the right one. While I am on the topic of Shrinks I might as well add Doctors to this list.
The last time I looked up the term Medical Treatment it was defined as the care of a patient seeking medical attention.
Every person who comes into a hospital or medical clinic is in need of some form of physical or mental help.
In essence, what they seek to discover is the compassionate skills and supportive help of a doctor who is willing to ("Listen") to their patient.
Perhaps I am emphasizing the term ("listen") broadly but, is not a doctor someone who helps someone else ?
When did the term "Doctor" ever get treated with so much reverence ? ( Oh ! right this way Dr. Smith, or excuse me Dr. Soles, what wonderful footpads your wearing, or pardon me Dr. Patterson; but, your flatulence has no odour).
At what point in history did a doctor become more than a trusted and learned friend who visited the sick, the diseased, and the dying ?
Are not ("real") Doctors humane caring people who take the sincere time to listen to their patients, not just as somebody who suffers with an injury, sickness or disease; but, more importantly treating their patients first and foremost as a human being first. If diseases are going to be truly fought, why not fight one of the greatest diseases of all...("Indifference") !
Numerous medical universities throughout North America, lecture doctor wannabes on transference and professional distance apart from their patients. Transference is inevitable.
Every human being has an impact on another. A doctors mission is not merely objective to preventing death and alleviating physical and mental suffering; but, to improve the quality of life in each and everyone of their patients.
That is why doctors treat diseases and suffering. They win some, they lose some. If doctors are to truly treat their patients, why not treat them as a person first, before the disease or suffering.
There's every guarantee they'll win, no matter what the outcome of the patient. There are some doctors who seem so damned anesthetised and lifelessly numbed out in their quest to understand the meaning of life.
Many doctors have much to learn about humanity. Taking the precious time to listen, laugh, and even cry with their patients.
Doctors can learn a wealth of knowledge from the heartfelt dedication of "nurses" who have stood through tested time and time again next to a suffering patient
with physical and mental fears, pain, and tears; concernedly and reassuringly holding the hand of an anguished, lonely, patient in real need of timeless moments of compassionate love and companionship.
In essence the genuine compassionate heart of a "real" nurse takes the initiative to know her patient well. Yes; doctors can truly be extraordinary human beings.
Real doctors have worked and studied long and hard to become the best skilled and sometimes the only trusted compassionate friend a patient will meet in dire moments of medical care.
No doctor however; should behave in a cold, impersonal, or indifferent manner, by professionally distancing themselves from their patient.
The best qualities and God-given natural ability a genuine doctor has, is not brought into harmony exclusively by their medical skills and knowledge, but; the healing gift of their innermost heart to their patient.
Although in the last five years in recovery I have seen a number of psychiatrist's and psychologist's. I have tried hard to keep an open objective mind as to how
their analysis of me may seem legitimate according to their introspection of my characteristic demeanour and how it relates to my Rape-Related P.T.S.D.
and other related anxieties. For the most part I am ("somewhat") satisfied with their analysis.
However; being a Heterosexual Male Rape Victim
doesn't always allow for adequate psychotherapy services respectively attenuated for male rape victims.
I did read one post here at Pandora’s Aquarium that struck me as rather oddly confusing.
The person stated that there was "No" female, male, heterosexual, homosexual, or C.S.A. victims here...just rape victims inclusive. I find that description too restrictive.
There are unique differences and circumstances that every rape victim identifies with. When I began my recovery five years ago my first psychiatrist's didn't believe my past. And he made it quite obvious.
Needless to say I didn't stay long, three months was enough of that crap. I had an extremely difficult time finding a shrink that was willing to take my case. Statistically; so few male rape victims seek help due to the heavy stigma attached to male rape along with societal bias categorizing all male rape victims unfairly as gay or ex-cons.
In Atlantic Canada the luxury of finding a psychiatrist's or psychologist that is adequately trained and experienced working with male rape victims doesn't come by chance lightly, if at all. In the last five years I've been bounced around from one shrink to another who all have peculiar behaviours of their own.
You come across good-ones and terrible ones who seem so distant making me wonder why the hell they're even there doing such a job. Especially after I had laid out my painful vulnerabilities and fears in front of them to analyze and rationalize under their impassive scrutiny.
In light of all this I often question the validity of certain Psychiatrist's and Psychologist from time to time. Particularly when you think that there so called medical science is barely one-hundred and fifty years old.
It takes a very unique special doctor, nurse, psychiatrist, and psychologist with exceptional kindness, empathy and compassion to truly come to understand people afflicted with pain and suffering.
Indeed any woman or man who sustains the accursed ravagement and abysmal poignancy of a rape affliction.
It can be exceedingly worrisome and disconcerting trying to entrust to any person your own savage affliction relating to a harrowing rape.
There are numerous incompatible psychotherapy situations that fail to recognize the discrepant issues that encompass sexual orientation fears, associated with respective females and males who are victimized by violent rape.
While there are indeed a selective number of very good shrinks; In some critical circles there is reason to suggest that a growing number of shrinks excessively pride themselves into thinking that they have established a utopianized quick fix therapy solution to healing the afflictive mental stigma and pain of their rape patients. When in fact, all they've done is put a frail decaying bandage over tormenting wounds of pain and misery;
temporarily lulling to sleep and numbing the anguish from a vast number of woman and men who have suffered one of the worst atrocities conceivable by the human race.
What is it with the assuming overconfidence of many psychiatrist and psychologist ? What with their Freudian, Adler, and Jungian hodgepodge of theoretical hypothesis, suppositions, and speculations.
It shouldn't be of any big surprise that a number of shrinks today receive critique and disreputable reviews. While I do believe there are empathetically gifted psychiatrist's and psychologist's, that lend themselves to having an effective virtuosity.
Definitively however; shrinks are still far removed from adopting a perfected medical science which is still in it's infancy. Psychiatry and Psychology is a science of associationism, applied to a human cognitive process,
intrinsically structured with rudimentary and underlying half-truths, subject to a variance of representational perceptions and theoretical opinions infused with human fallibility.
Am I saying that shrinks are no good ? Of course not. I'm just saying that it requires prudence in finding the right one. While I am on the topic of Shrinks I might as well add Doctors to this list.
The last time I looked up the term Medical Treatment it was defined as the care of a patient seeking medical attention.
Every person who comes into a hospital or medical clinic is in need of some form of physical or mental help.
In essence, what they seek to discover is the compassionate skills and supportive help of a doctor who is willing to ("Listen") to their patient.
Perhaps I am emphasizing the term ("listen") broadly but, is not a doctor someone who helps someone else ?
When did the term "Doctor" ever get treated with so much reverence ? ( Oh ! right this way Dr. Smith, or excuse me Dr. Soles, what wonderful footpads your wearing, or pardon me Dr. Patterson; but, your flatulence has no odour).
At what point in history did a doctor become more than a trusted and learned friend who visited the sick, the diseased, and the dying ?
Are not ("real") Doctors humane caring people who take the sincere time to listen to their patients, not just as somebody who suffers with an injury, sickness or disease; but, more importantly treating their patients first and foremost as a human being first. If diseases are going to be truly fought, why not fight one of the greatest diseases of all...("Indifference") !
Numerous medical universities throughout North America, lecture doctor wannabes on transference and professional distance apart from their patients. Transference is inevitable.
Every human being has an impact on another. A doctors mission is not merely objective to preventing death and alleviating physical and mental suffering; but, to improve the quality of life in each and everyone of their patients.
That is why doctors treat diseases and suffering. They win some, they lose some. If doctors are to truly treat their patients, why not treat them as a person first, before the disease or suffering.
There's every guarantee they'll win, no matter what the outcome of the patient. There are some doctors who seem so damned anesthetised and lifelessly numbed out in their quest to understand the meaning of life.
Many doctors have much to learn about humanity. Taking the precious time to listen, laugh, and even cry with their patients.
Doctors can learn a wealth of knowledge from the heartfelt dedication of "nurses" who have stood through tested time and time again next to a suffering patient
with physical and mental fears, pain, and tears; concernedly and reassuringly holding the hand of an anguished, lonely, patient in real need of timeless moments of compassionate love and companionship.
In essence the genuine compassionate heart of a "real" nurse takes the initiative to know her patient well. Yes; doctors can truly be extraordinary human beings.
Real doctors have worked and studied long and hard to become the best skilled and sometimes the only trusted compassionate friend a patient will meet in dire moments of medical care.
No doctor however; should behave in a cold, impersonal, or indifferent manner, by professionally distancing themselves from their patient.
The best qualities and God-given natural ability a genuine doctor has, is not brought into harmony exclusively by their medical skills and knowledge, but; the healing gift of their innermost heart to their patient.
Indifferent Medical Professionals & Male Rape Victims
("Why are Male Rape Victims ("Sometimes") Stricken By The Sporadic Desensitizing compassionateness Of Nurses and Doctors")???
In the course of human experience, I have come upon many confounding situations and undesirable surroundings. Although objectionable biased communication from subjective people can be emotionally disturbing. I am "not" usually inclined to incite unfavorable judgment towards prejudiced people whom for what ever reason have this unorthodox, whimsical mental attitude to stereotype, dichotomize, or categorize people whom they view as being different from themselves. The fact is, I pity these kind of people. Because they will never know anything beyond what they perceive with their own two eyes. Much like the lacking intellectual depth of a person who prejudges a book by it's cover; so it is with the "failing" perspicacity of people who access other people by outward appearances. There's an old saying; if you truly want to understand what another person endures in their life, try walking a (few months) in their shoes.
Connotative to expressing an opportunity to examine what's going on in our world today...and extrapolate into the future what will be the consequences of our actions...invariably, the humane way we treat each other as people. As humans we arrogantly think that we have full control over our sciences. Whether it be cosmology, meteorological, agricultural, or the vast branches of medical sciences. We think that we know all the answers. But the truth is we don't. There are all kinds of ideological theories going on in the world. There is irrefutable reason to suggest in a prominent way how the evolutionary social sphere of today's prevailing populace is saturated by all kinds of human desensitization, both in ourselves and the reality of the global world around us. What will become as a future result of the personal decisions we make today ? Notably; the preservation of ("real") moral values, justice, and compassion that are characteristically an important essential part to improving humanization. These viewpoints do not only place emphasis on the love and care of those who are nearest and dearest to us. But; an honourable compassionateness for our prominent aging society, the sick, the diseased, the terminally and mentally ill; and female and male victims of rape torture, who are all deserving of genuine humanitarian care, and the committedness of a people governed by strong moral principles and acceptable conduct.
We must face the fact that we live in an extremely vulnerable world filled with afflictive suffering, even though there are people near us who are unwilling to perceive this truth.
Some of the vulnerable situations I speak herein are not likely to come to an end soon. While I am not accustom to being favoured by good fortune. Overwhelmed by terminal illnesses and death within my family, and careworn by my own indisposed health including Rape-Related Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have been unkindly treated on numerous occasions by superficial people. So why should I waste my time writing about the substandard medical treatment of patients, who fall under the subjective, callous, and indifferent behaviour of a certain number of doctors and nurses who "sometimes" mental-stereotype patients after having sloppily summarized and categorically prejudged their patients medical files.
A bold abstract implication indeed. Perhaps you believe my inference is cynically unfounded ? Think Again.
On Super Bowl Sunday 2007 I was taken from my home by ambulance to my local city hospital after suffering one of several recurrent seizures. Upon being wheeled into the emergency trauma bay by stretcher, I was greeted by a subjective, cold-hearted female nurse who took one look at me and said; Oh God ! Not you again. I felt aggrieved, dejected, and completely speechless. Meeting the wrong nurse or doctor who communicates unfeelingness, moodiness, superficial compassion, or downright inconsiderate care towards any patient defies imagination. You don't know how dehumanizing it is to be a patient affected by the impoliteness and aloofness of any medical professional. I was just recovering from a seizure. I didn't require extreme care or effort. Just the normal courtesy and reassurance of knowing that in my present state of confusion, fatigue, and fears I would be OK. Instead; I received an undignified brush-off not only from the female nurse in the emergency trauma bay, but; a female doctor checking me over. I wish disconcerting moments like these allowed for more pliancy and mutual openness; encouraging friendliness and candour between nurse, doctor and patient.
No patient deserves the temperamental cold indifference of a medical professional who is deplorably lacking of an inherent sympathetic aptitude. One patient alone is out-numbered even if they attempt to come to their own defence. My own aggressive defence is being silent. I've dealt with too much pain in my life; including the affliction of being a heterosexual male rape victim suffering from a torturous and harrowing savage gang rape under the duress of gunpoint. Despite this atrocious and troubling adversity that haunts me; it's comforting to know their are a far greater number of nurses and doctors out there, who are more deserving of their genuine professionalism and humanitarian committedness. It's not difficult to perceive the compassionate sincerity of most nurses and doctors who truly care about the well being of their patients. Personally; I consider myself privileged to know numerous doctors and nurses who are truly deserving of genuine affection, praise and appreciation because they trustingly have the most concernedly sympathetic hearts I have ever encountered.
In this critique I am "not" unperceptive or insensitive to the demanding, stressful, time-strapped situations, or lack of medical staff in emergency trauma bays. So why have I chosen to write this substantiative correspondence ? Two essential reasons that I believe merits mindful consideration and constructive criticism. No# 1. I believe that most patients in a hospital are understanding of the many ponderable qualities that nurses and doctors are gifted with. Not just their life saving medical skills; but, more aesthetically important the benevolent gift of themselves as a person. These are the deep-seated qualities and principles that best defines the integrity and humaneness of a ("real") nurse and doctor. The most distinguishing tangible attributes that belongs to any good nurse or doctor is not formed by their professional title; but, the gift of their innermost heart to the sick, the injured, the dying, and the psychologically ill.
No# 2. In today's society their are a growing number of distressed people living intensely vulnerable and painful lives due to an often unwanted, undeserved, oppressive, and inescapable environment that contributes to increasing physical and mental sickness. This is not merely a conjectural opinion; but, a statement supported by objective proof. Under a supportive hospital atmosphere their exist a symbiosis...a reciprocal human mutuality of trust and reliability that's essential between nurse, doctor, and patient. Regrettably; there are times when this confiding connectedness or trustworthiness gives way to impassivity or betrayed confidence.
Apathetic gestures or aloofness expressed by moody, fatigued medical professionals, even though sometimes unintentional, can lead to a partiality that prevents the objective consideration of health issues and situational circumstances that when overlooked, can have jeopardizing consequences on any patient. Patients who are subject to troubling external conditions and elemental surroundings merit meaningful ethical consideration. I believe nurses and doctors should be "very concerned" about patients deciding not to avail themselves to much needed medical care, because of a medical professionals sometimes "poor reputation" besmirched by the lacking compassionateness and impersonal cold behaviour that sporadically subsist amongst individual nurses and doctors. The medical profession is not infallible.
I could go into a more profound psychological discussion about the lifelong stigmatic effects that are painfully etched deep into the souls of woman and men victimized by the scourge of rape. Indeed; there are numerous afflictions encountered by many individual people who are truly in need of necessary medical care at a hospital.
In contrast; I need to believe that there are a greater number of dedicated, understanding, and generous spirited nurses, doctors and shrinks who have a purposeful insightful heart to grasp in part many of the difficulties and sufferings that a great number of patients are confronted with. In conclusion; as a male rape victim I am not claiming to be an important somebody whom I know I am not. However; I do consider myself a very forgiving and perceptively an empathetic person. While a nurse or doctors occasional ill-natured communication with their patient is forgivable. I don't believe any medical professional should behave in a manner that imparts additional adversity or anxiety.
Patients on the other hand should be mindfully deferential of the awkward stressful moments that nurses and doctors are challenged with on a daily basis. Respectfully; I would gladly invite any other person reading this post who has experienced similar experiences.
In the course of human experience, I have come upon many confounding situations and undesirable surroundings. Although objectionable biased communication from subjective people can be emotionally disturbing. I am "not" usually inclined to incite unfavorable judgment towards prejudiced people whom for what ever reason have this unorthodox, whimsical mental attitude to stereotype, dichotomize, or categorize people whom they view as being different from themselves. The fact is, I pity these kind of people. Because they will never know anything beyond what they perceive with their own two eyes. Much like the lacking intellectual depth of a person who prejudges a book by it's cover; so it is with the "failing" perspicacity of people who access other people by outward appearances. There's an old saying; if you truly want to understand what another person endures in their life, try walking a (few months) in their shoes.
Connotative to expressing an opportunity to examine what's going on in our world today...and extrapolate into the future what will be the consequences of our actions...invariably, the humane way we treat each other as people. As humans we arrogantly think that we have full control over our sciences. Whether it be cosmology, meteorological, agricultural, or the vast branches of medical sciences. We think that we know all the answers. But the truth is we don't. There are all kinds of ideological theories going on in the world. There is irrefutable reason to suggest in a prominent way how the evolutionary social sphere of today's prevailing populace is saturated by all kinds of human desensitization, both in ourselves and the reality of the global world around us. What will become as a future result of the personal decisions we make today ? Notably; the preservation of ("real") moral values, justice, and compassion that are characteristically an important essential part to improving humanization. These viewpoints do not only place emphasis on the love and care of those who are nearest and dearest to us. But; an honourable compassionateness for our prominent aging society, the sick, the diseased, the terminally and mentally ill; and female and male victims of rape torture, who are all deserving of genuine humanitarian care, and the committedness of a people governed by strong moral principles and acceptable conduct.
We must face the fact that we live in an extremely vulnerable world filled with afflictive suffering, even though there are people near us who are unwilling to perceive this truth.
Some of the vulnerable situations I speak herein are not likely to come to an end soon. While I am not accustom to being favoured by good fortune. Overwhelmed by terminal illnesses and death within my family, and careworn by my own indisposed health including Rape-Related Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have been unkindly treated on numerous occasions by superficial people. So why should I waste my time writing about the substandard medical treatment of patients, who fall under the subjective, callous, and indifferent behaviour of a certain number of doctors and nurses who "sometimes" mental-stereotype patients after having sloppily summarized and categorically prejudged their patients medical files.
A bold abstract implication indeed. Perhaps you believe my inference is cynically unfounded ? Think Again.
On Super Bowl Sunday 2007 I was taken from my home by ambulance to my local city hospital after suffering one of several recurrent seizures. Upon being wheeled into the emergency trauma bay by stretcher, I was greeted by a subjective, cold-hearted female nurse who took one look at me and said; Oh God ! Not you again. I felt aggrieved, dejected, and completely speechless. Meeting the wrong nurse or doctor who communicates unfeelingness, moodiness, superficial compassion, or downright inconsiderate care towards any patient defies imagination. You don't know how dehumanizing it is to be a patient affected by the impoliteness and aloofness of any medical professional. I was just recovering from a seizure. I didn't require extreme care or effort. Just the normal courtesy and reassurance of knowing that in my present state of confusion, fatigue, and fears I would be OK. Instead; I received an undignified brush-off not only from the female nurse in the emergency trauma bay, but; a female doctor checking me over. I wish disconcerting moments like these allowed for more pliancy and mutual openness; encouraging friendliness and candour between nurse, doctor and patient.
No patient deserves the temperamental cold indifference of a medical professional who is deplorably lacking of an inherent sympathetic aptitude. One patient alone is out-numbered even if they attempt to come to their own defence. My own aggressive defence is being silent. I've dealt with too much pain in my life; including the affliction of being a heterosexual male rape victim suffering from a torturous and harrowing savage gang rape under the duress of gunpoint. Despite this atrocious and troubling adversity that haunts me; it's comforting to know their are a far greater number of nurses and doctors out there, who are more deserving of their genuine professionalism and humanitarian committedness. It's not difficult to perceive the compassionate sincerity of most nurses and doctors who truly care about the well being of their patients. Personally; I consider myself privileged to know numerous doctors and nurses who are truly deserving of genuine affection, praise and appreciation because they trustingly have the most concernedly sympathetic hearts I have ever encountered.
In this critique I am "not" unperceptive or insensitive to the demanding, stressful, time-strapped situations, or lack of medical staff in emergency trauma bays. So why have I chosen to write this substantiative correspondence ? Two essential reasons that I believe merits mindful consideration and constructive criticism. No# 1. I believe that most patients in a hospital are understanding of the many ponderable qualities that nurses and doctors are gifted with. Not just their life saving medical skills; but, more aesthetically important the benevolent gift of themselves as a person. These are the deep-seated qualities and principles that best defines the integrity and humaneness of a ("real") nurse and doctor. The most distinguishing tangible attributes that belongs to any good nurse or doctor is not formed by their professional title; but, the gift of their innermost heart to the sick, the injured, the dying, and the psychologically ill.
No# 2. In today's society their are a growing number of distressed people living intensely vulnerable and painful lives due to an often unwanted, undeserved, oppressive, and inescapable environment that contributes to increasing physical and mental sickness. This is not merely a conjectural opinion; but, a statement supported by objective proof. Under a supportive hospital atmosphere their exist a symbiosis...a reciprocal human mutuality of trust and reliability that's essential between nurse, doctor, and patient. Regrettably; there are times when this confiding connectedness or trustworthiness gives way to impassivity or betrayed confidence.
Apathetic gestures or aloofness expressed by moody, fatigued medical professionals, even though sometimes unintentional, can lead to a partiality that prevents the objective consideration of health issues and situational circumstances that when overlooked, can have jeopardizing consequences on any patient. Patients who are subject to troubling external conditions and elemental surroundings merit meaningful ethical consideration. I believe nurses and doctors should be "very concerned" about patients deciding not to avail themselves to much needed medical care, because of a medical professionals sometimes "poor reputation" besmirched by the lacking compassionateness and impersonal cold behaviour that sporadically subsist amongst individual nurses and doctors. The medical profession is not infallible.
I could go into a more profound psychological discussion about the lifelong stigmatic effects that are painfully etched deep into the souls of woman and men victimized by the scourge of rape. Indeed; there are numerous afflictions encountered by many individual people who are truly in need of necessary medical care at a hospital.
In contrast; I need to believe that there are a greater number of dedicated, understanding, and generous spirited nurses, doctors and shrinks who have a purposeful insightful heart to grasp in part many of the difficulties and sufferings that a great number of patients are confronted with. In conclusion; as a male rape victim I am not claiming to be an important somebody whom I know I am not. However; I do consider myself a very forgiving and perceptively an empathetic person. While a nurse or doctors occasional ill-natured communication with their patient is forgivable. I don't believe any medical professional should behave in a manner that imparts additional adversity or anxiety.
Patients on the other hand should be mindfully deferential of the awkward stressful moments that nurses and doctors are challenged with on a daily basis. Respectfully; I would gladly invite any other person reading this post who has experienced similar experiences.
The Day I Lost My Soul 1 & 2
If you feel emotionally weak, perhaps it would be best you opted not to read what I'm about to write herein. Saturday August 25th, 1979 was the day I lost my heart, soul, and virginity...if you can call it that. Perhaps it was not my virginity but more aptly my manhood that was forcefully robbed and stolen from me. Being a heterosexual man, and living with an unspeakable affliction for the last twenty-nine years has caused me heart-wrenching pain, guilt and utter shame for almost three decades.
Through all those years I have always questioned what part of my manhood still remained intact. I'm not the effeminate type, but; admittedly, I am an emotional and sensitive man. Saturday August 25th, 1979 could have been like any other normal day. Immature at the age of twenty-three, still a virgin looking for a girlfriend to genuinely love and call my sweetheart. I went out alone in the evening to a popular downtown dance club bar. So what the hell does a young horny 23 year single man do at a night club ? Drink copious amounts of beer and watch young sexy woman gyrate their asses on the dance floor. Seemed like the normal thing to do being a young heterosexual male. During the course of the evening I ran into two out of town gentlemen and struck up some casual conversation. We mingled around the club on our own. It was shortly after mid-night when caught up with the two guys again. By this time I could feel those beers going down pretty good. I'd say I was a little better than half drunk by then. The two guys told me that they were staying at local motel until they could they secure permanent residence in the city.
They also told me that they were having a party in their motel room with lots of cold beer stocked in the fridge, with two men and a woman coming over to celebrate. Being naive, stupid, and half in the bag I accepted their invitation, grabbed a cab and joined them in their soiree. After entering the motel room and sitting in a comfortable chair I must have chugged another four or five beer. I was quite drunk by then. Approximately forty-five minutes later two men and women entered the motel room and joined in the small party. They also carried in two large hockey type duffel bags with them. Some time later I could vaguely remember an argument ensuing between the two men who invited me and the other two men and the woman who arrived. Un-be-knowest to me; I wouldn't find out until a week and a half later that the argument was about a drug deal that had gone sour.
The next thing I remember is was two men opening their duffel bags and two sawed-off shotguns and a handgun which was wielded in front of my face including the two guys who invited me to their motel room. What took place next is something that brings a lot of painful memories even to this very day.
The three of us men were forced to remove every stitch of our clothing and instructed to get on all fours. We were told if we made any sound we would be shot dead on the spot.
For the next five hours they took turns sodomizing and brutally beating us over and over again while the woman fondled our genitals, laughing and ridiculing us while taking turns holding the loaded barrel of the handgun in our mouths. I never thought five horrific demoralizing hours would be such an eternity.
And if that wasn't harrowing enough, because I was the only victim who refused to perform oral sex I was whipped with a electrical cord and later with a gun to my head the female assailant sodomized me with a hot curling iron. After the assault was over and my assailants left, I swiftly got dressed, and fled the scene walking around the city for three days in shock. Out of great fear and shame I didn't seek necessary medical care for the serious injuries I sustained with painful lesion whip marks on my back and bloody flesh burns and traumatic bruising inside my rectum. I refused to tell anybody, not even my family.
I buried my damned cursed past inside my subconscious for twenty-three years. Nobody knew about it. Four weeks after the incident I found out that one of the male victims who was with me committed suicide a week after the rape. I would find out later that the other male victim who suffered by my side, wound up in a mental health care facility for two years.
It's very difficult for me writing about this, especially when every horrifying detail is like it happened yesterday.
I wish I could articulate the inexpressible painful feeling of being terribly disgraced, by making such a humiliating embarrassing reality so shamefully evident.
Very few people in this world, could fathom in body, mind, and spirit..."unless they too were victims of rape"...the mortifying reality of this reprehensible heinous crime and what it is to feel so exceedingly powerless and crushed in spirit.
My heart had been torn asunder, trampled on, and flushed down the sewer. I was left bloodied with the removed feeling of being a non-entity lost forever in a twilight zone, shattered in worthless pieces of pitiable emptiness. It's a dreadful lamenting feeling when your being degraded to less than that of an animal, ridiculed and mocked by death threats by two savage men and one heartless woman. Sometimes there are days when I think these inseparable haunting feelings will follow me to my dying day.
The only person in humanity who can thoroughly understand your victimization is another rape victim, who can justifiably say to another rape victim; "Yes"; I truly understand your great pain, for you see, I too wear the stigma and indelible scars of rape.
Twenty-three years later after my haunting past got the better on, and on January 3rd, 2003 suffering a major nervous break down I finally related my heart-wrenching past to medical health officials and my family. The first psychiatrist I saw didn't even believe my past. I'm not going to go into a long story speaking about my thoughts towards the apathetic and dispassionate behaviors that ("do") indeed subsists among ("certain") shrinks and medical professionals. It's been one long hell ride since my recovery began five years ago. Today I'm now seeing a very empathetic and compassionate female psychologist who's helping me sort through my painful stigma. Recovery has been “very slow“, but thankfully I'm still here.
THE DAY I LOST MY SOUL # 2
Often there are irrepressible and inexpressible painful memories about my gang-rape at gunpoint that leave me poignantly empty and broken in the heart. I do my damnedest trying to dissociate and separate my emotions with umpteen ritualistic distractions. Try as I may with the greatest of efforts. My haunting past always finds a way of chipping away at the weakest cracks in my personal resilient walls of defence I labor so arduously trying to build.
At times these great efforts can seem so futile to a point of giving it all up.
I remember in exacting painful detail every moment of my rape experience that leaves my heart unspeakably shattered. I remember being forced to remove every stitch of my clothing and forced on all fours having the barrel of a handgun placed in my mouth by the female assailant who took turns doing the same to the other two male victims who were beside me. Meanwhile; two male assailants with loaded sawed-off rifles at their sides, knelt behind all of us victims taking turns sodomizing all us over and over and over again for the next five humiliating and demoralizing hours.
I do not have the power or strength to articulate this profound and extremely painful and horrid experience. I want to vomit my guts out thinking about it. Every part of my identity was forever lost. They stole my soul. Everything that was valued or sacred was erased. I had been swallowed into the neither world at the very gates of eternal hell. These mother-f#$*%ing bastards even tried to force me to perform oral sex. They knew I wanted them to kill me. Even after enduring five unrelenting hours of being sodomized, ridiculed, tortured, beaten and taunted by death threats it still wasn't over.
Because I would not submit to their having me perform oral sex on them I was tortured by being whipped by an electrical cord and later the female assailant would sodomize me with a hot curling iron. I wish they would had killed me in the end. Twenty-nine years later today I am still trying to find my soul.
There are other embarrassing things that happened to me that bring questions of heterosexual masculinity into uncharted clarity. Like the female bitch who fondled my genitals while I was being sodomized by these fucking animals who called themselves human. She masturbated me and forced me to ejaculate.
Shame and Guilt doesn't even begin to describe what feelings I struggle with.
Due to numerous physical health related problems...cardiac, diabetes, thyroid, and respiratory problems coupled with that fact of struggling with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Today I also suffer with E.D. ("Erectile Dysfunction"). I also have strong fear of invasive medical procedures and will not permit any male doctor to exam me. Is this because of my torturous afflicted past ?
Much of it is I am sure. Anyways; the cold reality of societal indifference goes on.
Through all those years I have always questioned what part of my manhood still remained intact. I'm not the effeminate type, but; admittedly, I am an emotional and sensitive man. Saturday August 25th, 1979 could have been like any other normal day. Immature at the age of twenty-three, still a virgin looking for a girlfriend to genuinely love and call my sweetheart. I went out alone in the evening to a popular downtown dance club bar. So what the hell does a young horny 23 year single man do at a night club ? Drink copious amounts of beer and watch young sexy woman gyrate their asses on the dance floor. Seemed like the normal thing to do being a young heterosexual male. During the course of the evening I ran into two out of town gentlemen and struck up some casual conversation. We mingled around the club on our own. It was shortly after mid-night when caught up with the two guys again. By this time I could feel those beers going down pretty good. I'd say I was a little better than half drunk by then. The two guys told me that they were staying at local motel until they could they secure permanent residence in the city.
They also told me that they were having a party in their motel room with lots of cold beer stocked in the fridge, with two men and a woman coming over to celebrate. Being naive, stupid, and half in the bag I accepted their invitation, grabbed a cab and joined them in their soiree. After entering the motel room and sitting in a comfortable chair I must have chugged another four or five beer. I was quite drunk by then. Approximately forty-five minutes later two men and women entered the motel room and joined in the small party. They also carried in two large hockey type duffel bags with them. Some time later I could vaguely remember an argument ensuing between the two men who invited me and the other two men and the woman who arrived. Un-be-knowest to me; I wouldn't find out until a week and a half later that the argument was about a drug deal that had gone sour.
The next thing I remember is was two men opening their duffel bags and two sawed-off shotguns and a handgun which was wielded in front of my face including the two guys who invited me to their motel room. What took place next is something that brings a lot of painful memories even to this very day.
The three of us men were forced to remove every stitch of our clothing and instructed to get on all fours. We were told if we made any sound we would be shot dead on the spot.
For the next five hours they took turns sodomizing and brutally beating us over and over again while the woman fondled our genitals, laughing and ridiculing us while taking turns holding the loaded barrel of the handgun in our mouths. I never thought five horrific demoralizing hours would be such an eternity.
And if that wasn't harrowing enough, because I was the only victim who refused to perform oral sex I was whipped with a electrical cord and later with a gun to my head the female assailant sodomized me with a hot curling iron. After the assault was over and my assailants left, I swiftly got dressed, and fled the scene walking around the city for three days in shock. Out of great fear and shame I didn't seek necessary medical care for the serious injuries I sustained with painful lesion whip marks on my back and bloody flesh burns and traumatic bruising inside my rectum. I refused to tell anybody, not even my family.
I buried my damned cursed past inside my subconscious for twenty-three years. Nobody knew about it. Four weeks after the incident I found out that one of the male victims who was with me committed suicide a week after the rape. I would find out later that the other male victim who suffered by my side, wound up in a mental health care facility for two years.
It's very difficult for me writing about this, especially when every horrifying detail is like it happened yesterday.
I wish I could articulate the inexpressible painful feeling of being terribly disgraced, by making such a humiliating embarrassing reality so shamefully evident.
Very few people in this world, could fathom in body, mind, and spirit..."unless they too were victims of rape"...the mortifying reality of this reprehensible heinous crime and what it is to feel so exceedingly powerless and crushed in spirit.
My heart had been torn asunder, trampled on, and flushed down the sewer. I was left bloodied with the removed feeling of being a non-entity lost forever in a twilight zone, shattered in worthless pieces of pitiable emptiness. It's a dreadful lamenting feeling when your being degraded to less than that of an animal, ridiculed and mocked by death threats by two savage men and one heartless woman. Sometimes there are days when I think these inseparable haunting feelings will follow me to my dying day.
The only person in humanity who can thoroughly understand your victimization is another rape victim, who can justifiably say to another rape victim; "Yes"; I truly understand your great pain, for you see, I too wear the stigma and indelible scars of rape.
Twenty-three years later after my haunting past got the better on, and on January 3rd, 2003 suffering a major nervous break down I finally related my heart-wrenching past to medical health officials and my family. The first psychiatrist I saw didn't even believe my past. I'm not going to go into a long story speaking about my thoughts towards the apathetic and dispassionate behaviors that ("do") indeed subsists among ("certain") shrinks and medical professionals. It's been one long hell ride since my recovery began five years ago. Today I'm now seeing a very empathetic and compassionate female psychologist who's helping me sort through my painful stigma. Recovery has been “very slow“, but thankfully I'm still here.
THE DAY I LOST MY SOUL # 2
Often there are irrepressible and inexpressible painful memories about my gang-rape at gunpoint that leave me poignantly empty and broken in the heart. I do my damnedest trying to dissociate and separate my emotions with umpteen ritualistic distractions. Try as I may with the greatest of efforts. My haunting past always finds a way of chipping away at the weakest cracks in my personal resilient walls of defence I labor so arduously trying to build.
At times these great efforts can seem so futile to a point of giving it all up.
I remember in exacting painful detail every moment of my rape experience that leaves my heart unspeakably shattered. I remember being forced to remove every stitch of my clothing and forced on all fours having the barrel of a handgun placed in my mouth by the female assailant who took turns doing the same to the other two male victims who were beside me. Meanwhile; two male assailants with loaded sawed-off rifles at their sides, knelt behind all of us victims taking turns sodomizing all us over and over and over again for the next five humiliating and demoralizing hours.
I do not have the power or strength to articulate this profound and extremely painful and horrid experience. I want to vomit my guts out thinking about it. Every part of my identity was forever lost. They stole my soul. Everything that was valued or sacred was erased. I had been swallowed into the neither world at the very gates of eternal hell. These mother-f#$*%ing bastards even tried to force me to perform oral sex. They knew I wanted them to kill me. Even after enduring five unrelenting hours of being sodomized, ridiculed, tortured, beaten and taunted by death threats it still wasn't over.
Because I would not submit to their having me perform oral sex on them I was tortured by being whipped by an electrical cord and later the female assailant would sodomize me with a hot curling iron. I wish they would had killed me in the end. Twenty-nine years later today I am still trying to find my soul.
There are other embarrassing things that happened to me that bring questions of heterosexual masculinity into uncharted clarity. Like the female bitch who fondled my genitals while I was being sodomized by these fucking animals who called themselves human. She masturbated me and forced me to ejaculate.
Shame and Guilt doesn't even begin to describe what feelings I struggle with.
Due to numerous physical health related problems...cardiac, diabetes, thyroid, and respiratory problems coupled with that fact of struggling with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Today I also suffer with E.D. ("Erectile Dysfunction"). I also have strong fear of invasive medical procedures and will not permit any male doctor to exam me. Is this because of my torturous afflicted past ?
Much of it is I am sure. Anyways; the cold reality of societal indifference goes on.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)